Yesterday was a stressful afternoon. I've been seeing a Psychologist with Jared since he was in kindergarten. When Jared entered kindergarten, his teacher felt that Jared had a neurological disorder because he had a hard time paying attention. After months of testing with the school, it was discovered that Jared did have an attention disorder and he was on the Autistic spectrum. I wasn't really sure what that meant because Jared seemed to be a normal boy. He didn't display any of the autistic tendencies that I was familiar with. He seemed to be affectionate and he was pointing by the age of 1,etc. so Autism didn't make sense to me. I had a lot to learn.
I started seeing our child Psychologist about 2 years ago. Through his analysis, Jared has been diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD. He is on Ritalin for his ADHD. I was on my way to pick Jared up yesterday when I got a call on my cell phone. It was the camp director of the day camp Jared attends. The director was explaining that Jared had bitten someone. Apparently, Jared had a ball that a boy was trying to take away from Jared and Jared didn't want to give it up. One thing led to another and Jared ended biting the boy and when the boy tried to pull his hand away, Jared wouldn't let go and left marks in the boys hand.
Jared is not a malicious boy and to me (not to condone his behavior) this seemed like Jared was extremely frustrated. I know that neurotypcial kids tease him because his behaviors are different. Kids on the spectrum are in fact bullied, and there are problems with bullying at the camp because there was a notice in the flier that bullying would not be tolerated.
When I got to the camp, Jared was sitting in the office on a chair, and when I asked him what had happened, he did admit to biting the boy and I explained that it is unacceptable behavior to bite someone, and as the director and I were talking with him, tears welled up in his eyes and he said, "Nobody likes me. They tease me and don't include me. They tell me I'm gay." The counselors response to this was, "Jared, now you know that isn't true. People do like you. They just get frustrated when you stand too close to them and when you put your hands on them. They push you away because you stand too close." I then explained to the counselor, this is a prime example of the social disorder. Neurotypical children learn through social interaction that standing too close to someone is invading that persons personal space and people on the autistic spectrum have a deficiency that doesn't allow them to learn on their own about personal space. I told the counselor that we were on our way to see his Psychologist and this incident would be a main topic of discussion. I was annoyed by the fact that when Jared was trying to explain how he felt, it was discounted by the counselor. Instead of trying to understand Jared and trying to figure out who is calling him gay, the counselor chose to tell Jared that the way he felt simply wasn't true. I believe that Jared is teased at the camp and his frustration level was high yesterday and he succumbed to the frustration and bit one of his tormentors.
After our psychologist talked with Jared (alone) about the incident, the psychologist told me a story that Jared had told him about. There was a day when a group of kids that Jared was sitting with at lunch tricked him. Jared is terrified of bees and according to Jared, these kids had a half eaten sandwich and let it sit out until bees were attracted to it and then tricked Jared into going near the sandwich so that the bees would follow him. I believe these kids learned that Jared is afraid of bees and thought it was entertaining for them to watch Jared being tormented by the bees, and then you wonder why he defends himself albeit not the best choice but given the fact that he is 8 and emotionally immature, his choice made sense to him. We have a lot of work ahead of us.
I get really frustrated in trying to explain Aspergers to people because they just want to boil Jared's behavior to defiant behavior instead of what it truly is. Jared has a learning disability when it comes to social rules. I'm afraid that this "bad behavior" might end up being a self fulfilling prophecy for Jared. I'm afraid in his mind he is going to say, "What is the use? I'm trying my hardest to be good and fit in and have friends and when people hurt me, it's discounted and alls anyone sees from me is bad behavior, so I should just be bad."
Jared and I have had the conversation of why biting is a bad choice, but I also understand that life in the Neurotypical world is frustrating for an Aspergian just as it is frustrating for me to try and educate Neurotypicals about Autistic behavior. Neurotypicals just don't want to hear it!! I feel like a salmon trying to swim upstream against the tide.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
"Neurotypicals" will never understand why Aspies behave the way they do. They just learn very quickly how to push their buttons, and when. And you will never educate them; but through maturity some learn tolerance.
What I have taught Matt is to take responsibility for his own actions, and TRY to report incidents PRIOR to a meltdown. It sounds like the camp director needs to be more sympathetic towards Jared and find him a "go to" person. This I only discovered over the past two years at high school. Matt has a number of teachers and aides he can go to if he gets himself into a situation he can't handle. It has only been this year that they understand that Matt will overreact to situations that NTs find tolerable. I understand his reactions because I know he feels that there is no escape route and the only way out is to lash out - this leads to over the top behaviour which in turn draws more unwanted attention to him.
We have tried telling him for years "just walk away"; they can't because they feel they have to stand up for themselves.
The incident with Jared & the bees is just outright cruelty - the director should have dealt with those kids too. I'm wondering if the camp has a welfare worker (there should be at least some aides).
I feel your frustration, and I too still cry for Matt. Having said that you always need to find ways to reinforce good behaviour and back it up with positive feedback. (A line that used to make Matt melt was: I like the way you ... (whatever it was that he did/said), but it has to be a NT thing, not a quirky Aspie thing.)
I know how you feel. My boys are 20 & 18 and they are 20 months apart. My oldest was diagnosed asperger at 13 yrs. boy were those elementary years so hard. I didn't have a diagnosis but I knew my son was not just a bad kid, I cried a lot back then. Once my son went through puberty and we got a diagnosis and got some additional medicine, everything went so much smoother. My baby was miserable and it hurt to see him suffer. Also like you said, other people always put their 2 cents in. One thing that came out of my sons diagnosis is the fact that I realize that I am autistic. It has helped me understand my son and myself. My 18 yr old is realizing that he's not as NT as his buddies. He has a lot of autistic tendencies, but he doesn't have a diagnosis. He also has friends and drives and wants to go to college and work. We were told to take it one day at a time with my 20 yr old, he still doesn't drive or work and we had to homeschool him from 4th grade on, but he is happy now and that's what I care about, not what job he chooses or car he drives. I love my 2 boys and I just wanted you to know that there are others living the life you are. I will always be thinking of you and your boys, because that is where I was 12 years ago, it was very hard but at least the doctors recognize the disorder now and hopefully the NT's will understand more and not think our kids are just bad kids.
thanks for listening,
Gina
Kerry and Gina,
Thanks so much for your comments! What a tremendous help. Kerry, I like the idea of Jared having a "go to" person. Last year there was a counselor that checked on Jared throughout the day to help him out, and I LOVED him. He is at another camp this year, but I think if he goes to camp next year, I am going to set that up.
Gina, my brother was an undiagnosed Aspergian. I figured that out when we were getting Jared diagnosed. I too feel like I have Aspergian tendencies as well, and my youngest son does too although he tests negative for Aspergers. I believe he is Aspergian and he flies under the radar. He is OCD, a worrier like me, and he has meltdowns too but instead of being physcial he cries as I did when I was his age too! He is a lot like me. It's funny, my oldest son is a carbon copy of my brother and my youngest son is a carbon copy of me. It's funny what genetics does!
Thanks so much for your comments. They are a big help and inspiring!! Through your comments, my deserted island is becoming inhabited!!
Take Care,
Hey, just remember MJ's song "You are not alone". It's fitting and a moving way to celebrate his birthday tomorrow (Melbourne time).
Yeah, it's funny who gets what traits. My 18 yr old and I both have OCD, his is a little worse than mine, but my 20 yr old seemed to miss most of the OCD, but he has more anxiety and is very much like my uncle whom he never met. Also I hadn't spent any but a small amount of time around my Dad for years and when we hooked up years later it was eerie how similar we were with our OCD and autistic traits. You just never know how it will present itself.
Post a Comment